ok that was abit too fluffy for my liking. hmms. maybe studying does that to you :p

i don't feel comfortable being this well happy. part of me is waiting for something to come shatter it all. hmms.

my mother wanted to kill me when i told her i wanted to go seville :p
me: mummy! i think i'm heading through portugal (porto, lisbon & faro) and then from faro to seville
mummy: seville again?!
me: but i've never been!
mummy: -.-
me: huh?
mummy: you have. we went. god i have been wasting my money.

snorts. whoops.

i love my angie baby (:

teeheehee. is it bad that i'm no longer stressed 0_o

hmms. instead of more clothes. i shall get myself the diana+. it comes with a instant polaroid add on back! eeks. i love i love (:

you're like an addictive drug i just can't kick. i've tried. oh trust me i've tried. but all it takes is one moment of weakness for everything to come flooding back in. and so i stay away, i try to stay strong. in a bid to hold on to that sanity that i just got a hold of. i can't fall back into the same loop again. that tape has been on repeat for so long, that i'm rather sick of watching it all play out again. its tiring. and yet at the same time comforting.

that's life isn't it.

dwts is fulfilling all my dance cravings i tell you :p

i LOVE argentine tango. gorgeous footwork.



sighs. to travel or to dance :p

happy birthday my friend (:



oh how i love dancing with the stars (((:

its these random things about the world that makes me feel that i can make a difference sometimes. haha.

and also why studying public international law is so important to me. the need to make a difference.

cat, matt, hj, cheryl and terence will so appreciate this (: i miss you my dancers ):

i think this girl trumps susan boyle :p

nothing made me happier than sitting there in the sun yesterday, out on the grass with my friends, watching dim sum dollies and thinking of those back home..

oh dim sum dollies brought back such happy memories of e time we went to watch them at e esplanade :D

was so bloody tired from e whole fiasco that e moment i came home, swayed around for awhile, and then crashed at like 9pm till like this morning 8. woke up, read my book for awhile, and then went back to sleep again :p only got up later at 12 to go meet my uncle at busaba for lunch. yumyum.

then stayed out to finish my eu enforcement chapters. and then had okonomiyaki with joyce & co to celebrate joyce's birthday. bloody ass full. groans.

happy birthday joyce (((: i hope you have a wonderfully happy year ahead love.

groans. back to mugging.

i have found my soul mate, my sister from another mother & father. i heart you sonya!

off to spore day i gooooo!

there's not a star in heaven i can't reach

hmms. interesting. the AWARE mess is getting more dramatic by the day.

love is love. period. it doesn't matter if its between a man and another man, a woman and a man, a woman and a woman or a transexual and her significant other. who are we to deny someone else's freedom to love and express their feelings. its not easy to defy society's traditional norms, and i have great respect for those who dare to love in the way they want to. (ET is subconsciously talking here :p )

its difficult enough dealing with society, and now a bloody NGO who's aim is for the betterment of women, and the empowerment of power, is taking a stand against homosexuality. wtf. this is why i have a problem with _______.

i thought spore was better than this. that the years of advocating tolerance (despite Section 377A) would teach people to be more open-minded, more forward thinking. the next thing you know its going to turn out into a full-fledge religion thing.

gah. i'm disgusted. disgusted that this is happening in spore, disgusted that such ppl call themselves sporeans, disgusted that these ppl even exist.

hmms. this anti-social thing is getting to me.

i miss having my ear worn out by information about bikes and bike parts and what brats a certain sch's students are. snorts. you know i just nod obligingly right. HAHA.

sighs. its times like these that i just want to go home, go sit by east coast park and eat carls junior burgers. yumyum.

hahaha. and then i think of burgers and i think of shake shack and kayli and dione. DAMNIT. i want a good burger ): unfortunately brits don't do burgers very well. or as e wright bar's italian lady calls it, i want a BUHHHH-GAHHHHH!

hello screw. my heart aches for you four.

i love indie films. those about discovery, about exploration, about love and about the mundane.


michael cera is adorable (:


zooey deschanel is queen of indie :D

and she does the soundtrack too. BLOODY AWESOME I TELL YOU :D

i want to do the crazy, see the crazy, be the crazy

sighs. i miss the days of good television dramas.

buffy. angel. dark angel. alias. roswell. charmed.

damnit. i need my dosage of gossip girl. the only thing keeping me going now is csi:ny and bones. grumbles

i don't see the point in being all high and mighty, being rich and 'successful', if that is all you have. material possessions only last this long. what's the point of going through life, merely ticking down the list of 'requirements' to be deemed successful by society.

i can think of quite a few really, who i can see ending up like that in the future.

and it just leaves this immense disgust in me.

i can't be like that. i just can't. its not worth it really. happiness is worth so much more.

transcendent and eternal

that's the way it should be
and that's the only way i'll take it

ohhhh ): can i have a mark ballas PLEASE! i'll quit all my weekend trips to europe just to have mark ballas to dance with :D



he's the sweetest guy (: and god can he dance. and he's not all super sleek and oily and all :p

oh and jer! rmb e sexy piece of meat samantha was eyeing in sex and e city? teehee :D here you go! yummy!



oh his son's calls him PAPA. papa. so nice :D



swooons (: so sexy!

sighs. i keep thinking about how to make the choice between dance and travelling. fuck. both i love to DEATH. and i don't know. i really don't know ):

hmms. for the lack of better judgement and the result of IMMENSE BOREDOM. i went to read stomp. gee -.- i think more of my brain cells just disintegrated. what trivial, nonsense shite. gosh. people just have WAY too much time on their hands. sighs.

i have a great distaste for lazy and unmotivated ppl.

gahhh. i think my new bb bold got short-circuited :p snorts. so now wj has to leave the house AGAIN. to go change my bb AGAIN. this is wasting too much of my time. BAH! well at least that means i can grab another cup of pret coffee and my smoke salmon cream cheese sandwich. doinks.

hmms. i don't understand why everyone dislikes EU law so much. i'm totally digging it :p sho fun sho fun.

i'm an idealist. through and through.

and i just wish you'd stop trying to sway me to your ways. i'm a stubborn mule ok. i don't know how to change, and i don't want to change.

i'm perfectly happy the way i'm doing things

ok now i'm massively pissed off. e curve 8900 doesn't have 3G. i need it for japan. and e idiot at o2 told me it did. growls. so now i gotta troop down to high holborn on monday to swap for bb bold.

i have this like/disgust relationship with e gym.

i like going to e gym to walk (yes walk -.- i can't run (knees hurt), i can't do e cross trainer (cos then knees AND hips hurt), i don't like weights, though i cycle (once in a bloody long while). so yeah. i go to the gym to walk. and i like it. cos i can walk and walk and walk till i get tired. then pop off e treadmill and go home. haha

BUT! but but but. i hate the ppl at the gym. esp the guys. the over buff, muscular, veins-popping kinda guys -rolls eyes- yipeng & anwar knows how i hate it when guys gym and bulk up. and its like crazy in my gym larh. there's this weights machine where i normally walk, and omg the stupid FAT guys who go there. pulling e stupid weight with all their might. grunting like f-ing pigs. thinking its so manly or smthing. whatever. i seriously get alot of eye exercises from all e eye rolling i do in e gym. damn disgusting. and alot of them either bulk to e point that they look like miniature blow up dolls that have been overblown. or they're talk and big but well not even defined/muscular, more like chunky and fat.

there are a few decent very toned guys. but seriously these never have been my type :p hahahaha. everytime angie & chongs talk about buff guys. i go erhhhh. snorts. my type is the opposite end of e spectrum from theirs. HAHAHA. but i like it this way (: thank you very much.

ogayyy. too much time spent wasted e past two days. slacking + zuma + harrods + my new blackberry. snorts. oh yes, blackberry pins ppl?

off i go to study!

i want to watch the sunset on the nile, see the jungle when its wet with rain, sit by the marketplace in old algiers, fly across the sea in a silver plane and have you belong to me.

nothing beats a cool night, a hot cup of hot tea and patsy cline crooning to me.

i'm sorry if i'm being difficult. i wonder if being independent has blurred the line of selfishness. hmms. need to figure this out. till then. bear with me alright (: i'll be nice! hahaha.

swoons. bones = love i tell you. david boreanaz is totally delicious :D

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry.

i can't even quite put into words how exhilirating this new attitude i have towards everything. this fuck-care attitude. the lack of baggage in what has got to be at least 6-7 years. i feel so light and happy. hahaha.

i'm loving my independence, my freedom to be whoever i want to be, with nothing to hold me back. i finally put down the last shackle...

and i really feel like i'm soaring

here's to being carefree, reckless, independent and young (:

i hate hate HATE it when ppl take advantage of others. in all kinda ways. joining a study group with everyone giving your best, and you giving your minimum. sponging on others. borrowing money and never paying back. or never offering to pay for certain things in return. expecting a 'friendship' where its just a one way road towards you.

fuck it. there are just too many shameless people in this world.

if i had the ability to turn back time.. i'd go back to my j1 days. and not act like the selfish, self-centred brat i was.

for all the wonders of j1. it was an emotionally barren year. i basically lived in my own bubble. just ignoring things i didn't want to face. i pretended that there was nothing wrong. i refused to be cooperative, i refused to help, i never wanted to be there. thankfully, she never requested i be there either. though i know she must have wanted me there. and i pretended i didn't see all that was happening. it felt so surreal.

i think the only thing i did was buy that scarf. hah. what a joke.

looking back. i really feel so ashamed of myself. so sorry. so regretful. and there's so much i want to say to her. but i know i will never get the words out of my mouth. never know how to apologise. so all i can do now, is to make up for it. in every way i can.

sighs, triggered off by smthing jie wrote. something really well written. love you.

psst. let me tell you a secret. i'm actually a sucker for opera :p hahaha. esp italian opera.

check this boy out (:

fuck. i seriously love my mum :p hahaha. i think she's bloody awesome. and probably e reason why i'm not wired really normally. snorts. i think e best thing she taught me was to be independent and rely on myself :p hahaha. whatever she wants, she buys it herself. she doesn't have to wait for or rely on my dad.

and if she wants to travel or want to come find me. off she goes :p HAHA. i LOVE it. i am so my parents' child. hahaha. and the way she uses things against my dad is power. and i think my dad is kinda at this helpless stage where he can't get over the fact that he doesn't have much control over me anymore, and while i will take what he says into consideration, i'm my own person. and so is my mum. lalalaaa. summer in scotland with mummy (because she is bored in spore. hahaha. win) is wheeee. i just hope she doesn't traumatise me with any ahem traumatising details of her doing what where in her uni days -.-

i tell you to go to nyc. that there is so much more beyond the negative connotations/emotions/memories that you have linked to it..

but at the same time i'm guilty of the same form of escapism. while i don't feel anything anymore, just perhaps a strange connection to places and a wistfulness for the simplicity of those young days. i refuse to watch les miserables, haven't gone back to that town in 4 years, the starbucks there, the rooms, the river.. and i still stand in the middle of covent garden sometimes and think of all that we shared. brief, seemingly translucent and fragile now, encased in the shell of memories. and i sometimes wonder if all of that did happen all those years ago.

ahm mmum mumm mummm. pain au raisin + gd coffee in e morning is THE LIFE :p haha. reminds me of paris. which makes me happy.

hmmms. summer plans are shaping up :D bounces about

teeheehee :D

its nice to have something to flaunt in others face. i think because so many are flaunting in that area, i work extra hard at another area as a form of a defence i suppose. haha

hahaha :p i am rather amused tt post created so much drama. snorts.

polish your skills abit love :p hahaha. but i have no doubt they're there, albeit abit rusty. grins. gone too long without my shit alr right. HAHA.

i'm getting my suntan from studying by my window. teehee. oh just wondering why its so dark today. weather forecast says heavy rain. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! its getting a tad bit warm. grumbles.

man u match, two kfc buckets, flatmates. (y)

i dunno who this trio are. but gosh this has to be one of the best versions of por una cabeza i've ever heard (: haha. angie you'll appreciate it. one of e tango classics. my favourite!

what a beautiful life, what a beautiful life.
there is no turning back..
- gui boratto

i never want to turn back in time. this is worth all the effort i put in slogging through my bloody education. i'm siezing every opportunity that comes my way. doing things i never dreamed i'd dare to do. going places, seeing things, feeling such a myriad of emotions.

if this is the highest point in my life. i'd die a happy person really. the waiting for years and years in spore to be free, to make each moment of my life count. this is it. and i really wonder if it can get any better than this. haha.

and the funny thing is. there are many people in similar situations as me, and yet.. they can't understand this lightness, this incredible surge of wonder for the world. shrugs. don't begrudge me for your choices.

its great to be alive (:

i hope you feel the same way too love. i can't wait to share this world with you.

lalalaa. i'm thinking of portugal & spain. throw in to the mix tokyo, osaka, kobe, iwate & maybe even tioman. and life is looking good. HAHA.

i just have to do well for my exams :p dang

this is what happens when you are stuck at home. and surrounded by books. you start thinking about everything, anything and nothing.

i think that whole period was a huge leap forward for me. it suddenly jumped to a whole new level that i was unfamiliar with. and it thrilled, yet scared me at the same time. i don't think i can go back down now once i've stepped up. yet at the same time, like the first time on e previous stage i was at.. it hurt, it scarred deep. and it took me a long time to get over all the doubts it created. the period itself was easy to forget. snapped fingers (a few times :p) and it faded.

but in recovering, i think i sub-consciously burrowed myself into this are that was safe & risk-free. partly because i knew nothing would happen, partly cos i wouldn't let it. and it was good. it was a safe haven to be in. it was warm, happy and fantastic. it still is. and so i put that part of my life on pause. happy to be in a quiet simple place. and barricaded everyone else from entering that part.

but now. i think i've finally come to see that i was burrowing. and i think i'm ready to come out from my little hole again (:

its a liberating feeling. hahaha

happiness feels like a floating flitting butterfly. it's willing to flit around, come near to you. once in awhile, when you most unexpect it, it'll perch on your skin for a short precious fragile moment. and then something will break the silence, and it will flit off again. leaving you empty. but try catching it, and yes you'll have that happiness in your hands. but hold it long enough and it'll wither and die. die from the lack of freedom.

i wonder if i see happiness as that, or the bunch of you that are so transient, and while not necessary in life, brought that spurts of happiness once in awhile. hmms

5 photos a day :p from my nyc craziness. hahaha. i think that can occupy me for MANY MANY DAYS. grins. because i NEED to get work done. sighs.


oh magnolia bakery (: sighs.


so bloody good! somehow it grows on you. e more you eat, e better they are :p


rockefeller centre.


dingding


kal & i in a dept store <3333

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will there be rainbows day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

What will be, will be

i'm thinking of how my mum used to sing this to me when i was younger and would run into her bed to cuddle with her at night.

i'm more open now. and yet more closed up at the same time.

i've learned not to spill so easily my thoughts and emotions and daily on-goings to people. but at the same time being more physically comfortable in showing affection and emotion and love to others.

its an interesting thing

i think. i think i'm going to let go. shutter up another part and leave it alone. if one day it is to be reopened, then i'd suppose it'd give some comfort to my thoughts & dreams & wishes. but for now, i'm done with that chapter. it was a time when such thoughts, dreams & wishes were enough to give me comfort, especially when i felt so alone. for that i'm grateful. incredibly grateful. for that chapter changed a huge part of me. changed the way i see things. but now i fear i might be falling back into the same pattern of the past. and so i shall say goodbye, and perhaps find you again sometime down the road in the future

i could hold on to this forever really. because so far nothing has compared. but.. but i feel that everything else has changed, and yet all that this is remains rather stagnant. stagnant because of stubborness, because of blindness or because of i don't know what. shrugs. i'm not making sense again am i. hahaha. but the whole point of this.. is that i refuse to live in someone else's shadow anymore. i'm better than that.

and the funniest thing is.. the shadow isn't there anymore really, but just the outline that was so painstakingly sketched around where the shadow used to be. in a bid to curb the fleeting transient nature of a shadow, in a bid to remember the shadow for the wonders it held. and so sometimes it makes me feel like a fool. but it was good while it lasted

i'm feeling incredibly yucky. urghs. don't like it. growls.

sometimes i think of the ppl i forcefully removed from my life, or purposefully distanced myself from. for hurting me, for annoying me, for being a bad influence. there hasn't been many. just because i don't quite have the heart to do it really. and sometimes when i look back on it. i am rather amazed at how quickly and seemingly heartlessly i did it. just snipping that link away. just like that.

and while most of them i don't miss. there is one friend i still think of time to time. and i dunno. somehow wish things were different.

i am so inexplicably drawn to movies and stories of mindless roaming, of discovery, of self-discovery, of heading out on a trip with no known end in sight, but with a few set points along the way to make sure i'm getting somewhere.

crazy/beautiful, elizabethtown and now, away we go.



i used to classify this feeling as a form of escapism. for the lack of a better word, and for a lack of a better understanding of this indescribable feeling. but now i've come to realise, that this feeling that has been growing inside of me for years, since my early teenage years (god that makes me sound so old), doesn't have that negative connotation of escapism. while yes back in spore there was something to escape from, the constrictive ever-present pressure and cagey-ness that i felt.

but now in london. i'm happier, more care-free, more unwound, more unbinded, more relaxed that i have ever been. and i can barely believe how much my view and perspective and knowledge has widened over this short two years. the things i've experienced, tried, seen, smelt, felt, heard and touched. this is how i want to spend the rest of my life really. feeding this crazy wanderlust in me. feeding my ever-growing hunger for this world. and just living, in the moment, in the past, in the future.

and this whole trip to nyc. just walking in the darkness along the water's edge, from battery park to wall st pier, to the brooklyn bridge. being frightened by the shadows sometimes (and squirrels too. snorts). its this whole myriad of emotions, wonder in the beautiful sunset, amazement at the depth of the human ability to dream and the fear of the unknown. its all that that makes us genuinely feel alive no? and i suppose that's why i fell so head over heels in love with new york. its gritty, and dirty, but as i said (and rachel agrees), i don't like happy people. and i don't really like happy places. you need a balance of reality and darkness and that dreamy amazing quality that creates this draw to a place. and like london.. new york has that. together with tokyo.

this is why i'm such a city-girl. i love cities to death. throw me in some nature reserve and i think i'll commit suicide :p

and if i were to never settle-down. or rather if i were never to find someone worth giving all this up for... i'd happily spend the rest of my life flitting and floating from country to city to beach to mountain. that'd be nice. hahaha. and probably says alot abt whoever i'm willing to be with. snorts.